


I ordered a pizza but got a hot chick

by Mouse (clandestineAbattoir)



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Eridan is actually a decent person, F/M, Humanstuck, Kuloz is a villain, Kurloz likes pizza, M/M, Meulin also works at a pizza place, Meulin is a hero, Multi, super hero AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-09 22:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5557850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestineAbattoir/pseuds/Mouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Messiah, also known as The Prince Of Rage, is the city of Skaia's most feared villian. Mortal enemies with freelance crime fighter Alley Cat, also known as the Mage of Heart, the two are caught in a nightly tango on the edge of life and death for the dear city.</p><p>Meulin Lejion is a delivery girl for Beforus Pizza Parlor, and one man keeps calling back. She finds out his name is Kurloz Makara, and he apparently never gets sick of pizza.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You'll never get away with this, Messiah," Alley Cat spat.  
Her olive eyes scanned the villain's painted face, narrowing at the crooked smile that spread across it.  
The Messiah never talked, she knew that, which was OK with her. She couldn't hear him anyway. Instead he signed his ever stereotypical comeback to her even more stereotypical words.  
'Ah, but you see my dear, I already have.' He signed, fleeing into the night.  
She was alone now, in the dark alley as the pouring rain matted her hair. Thunder rumbled, she felt the vibration through the thin leather soles of her boots.  
Should she chase after him?  
Ah, was that even a question, of course she would.  
The soles of her boots silently hit the rain soaked pavement as she sped after the villa, who scaled his way up a building with a grappling hook.  
Ha, a grappling hook. She almost laughed at his dependence on the stupid technology.  
She leapt swiftly next to the wire that supported him, waving smugly and cutting it with her razor sharp claws, watching as some of Skaia's police force caught the falling man and took him away in handcuffs.  
He would escape again, she knew that. There was no cell in the planet that could hold him for long. But for now, the streets were safe, and her job was done.  
She smiled to herself as she made the trek home, silently padding up the stairs to her apartment, softly letting the tortishell cat that was perched on the railing.  
When she got inside, she took off her mask, going to the bathroom and wringing out her long brown hair. She peeled her wetsuit off of her body,  discarding it on the floor as she turned on the shower.  
When the water was hot enough, she stepped into the shower stall, letting the water run over her as she squirted some lavender scented body wash onto a loofah and washed all the sweat and dirt that had accumulated from that day's fight off of her body. She shaved her legs, the razor gliding smoothly over the shaving cream.  She washed her hair and turned off the shower, toweling off and wrapping herself in a soft towel before passing down the hallway of her small apartment, going into her bedroom and putting on some pajamas. They were meme pajamas that her friend meenah had gotten her one year, a grumpy cat shirt with a pair of Pepe shorts.  
She got in bed, curling up under the covers and falling asleep.

The next morning Meulin woke up to the annoying melody of the shipping song. Her sister Nepeta had changed her alarm to that a few days ago and she had been too lazy to change it back.  
Groaning, she rolled over and grabbed her phone, managing a bad smile and a peace sign. Why she ever installed that app she had no idea.  
Dragging herself out of bed, she trudged to the kitchen and ate a granola bar tiredly, chugging some coffee straight from the pot.  
She brushed her teeth and got dressed, putting the sexist girls uniform from the pizzeria she worked at. It was a short mini skirt and button up shirt that ended before her belly button. It didn't help that she was a c cup with an ass to make a kardashian jealous.  
After slipping on her shoes, (light up sketchers), she went out to the driveway, clambering into her green keep and starting up the ignition. It took her a few tries, the car was old and a piece of shit, but eventually it started up properly and she pulled out of the driveway, driving to Beforus Pizza Parlor.  
As soon as she walked in, she was pulled to the side by chief of police Terezi Pyrope.  
The two women went to the back of the restaurant, where they were sure nobody could hear them.  
"Listen, I'm not talking to Meulin Lejion right now, I'm talking to the Mage of Heart," The blind police chief said lowly. Meulin nodded quietly.  
"We've got a known rapist on the loose and were scrapped for the force to catch. Can we count on you to help us out? We've already got two other freelances on it but you've had the most experience," Terezi explained.  
Meulin nodded again. This sounded interesting.  
Terezi left and Meulin went back to work.  
About half way through the day a guy dressed in drag came in, going up to the counter and looking at the menu behind her instead of her boobs, which was a first.  
"Hello, welcome to Beforus Pizza Parlor. Thick or thin, were the place," she recited sweetly.  
"You got anythin' vvegan?" The man asked.  
It took meulin a second to decipher what he was saying because of his strange pronunciation, but she nodded once she figure out that he pronounced vexplained,.  
"Yes. We've got a vegan pizza with soy cheese and sun dried tomatoes, and you can have tofu meat added for ten cents per topping," she explained, before adding, "that's a lovely skirt by the way. Where did you get it?"  
"Alright, I'll havve that. And I got it from the little shop from dowwn the street. My friend wworks there as a seamstress," he explained,  leaning on the counter.  
"Name?" She asked, making the pizza and taking an order form off the stack next to her.  
"Eridan," the drag queen said.  
She wrote the name on the paper and fired the pizza for a few minutes while she chatted with the man. She learned that he was in college, majoring in marine biology, and worked part time as a life guard. He had a boyfriend who designed websites for a living, and was bipolar. He waved to her as he left, shoving a slice of pizza in his mouth.  
The rest of the day passed fairly quickly, there were a few more customers, none of them met her eyes (not a shocker), and she made a few deliveries.  
It was almost the end of her shift when Roxy, her coworker, gave her a pizza and an address for delivery.  
She got into one of the company cars, driving to the address. She rang the doorbell, and a man opened it. He was shirtless and relatively good looking. Scratch that, he was actually kinda hot. He had a thick mess of black curls, and his vitiligo ridden skin was free of acne. He was silent as he took the pizza and gave her the money, signing that she could keep the change of twenty dollars. She thanked him and left, idly wondering what the scars on his lips were from.  
After her shift, she went home briefly, changing into her costume and going to the agreed meeting place.  
When she got there, the two she assumed she would be working with were staring at each other, presumably in a staring contest, which she thought was kind of stupid, seeing how one was wearing goggles and the other was wearing bicolored glasses.  
"Hello." She said, putting a hand on her hip as the two boys turned to her.  
The man with the black ponytail and dark colored goggles spoke first.  
"Hello, I'm the centaur. I'm assuming you're Alley Cat?" He was very softspoken, his mouth barely moved when he spoke.  
"That would be me. Who is Sparky McBroods back there?" Alley cat asked.  
"He's the Bumblebee, professional hacker, professional asshole," he explained.  
"Alright, thtop thaying that every time we meet a new perthon," bumblebee complained.  
Meulin noticed that the boy placed his tongue oddly when he made his s's. She guessed he had a bit of a lisp.  
"Alright, tho our perp is allegedly mainly targeting men. Our plan ith to plant a fake whore in one of the clubth he frequentth." The boy explained, pushing up his bi colored glasses.  
"Alright. I'm guessing one of you is going to be the fake prostitute?" She raised an eyebrow.  
Bumblebee immediately pointed at centaur.  
"He ith."  
"Cool. Ive always wanted to be the fake prostitute." Centaur smiled.  
Alley cat laughed a little.  
"Let's do this shit."


	2. Bitches, were going clubbing

"How do I look?" Centaur stepped out of the other room, wearing nothing but a tight grey shirt and black skinny jeans.  
Alley cat took a second to assess him, sweeping him over. He had a good amount of muscle definition, but his features were a little too boyish and rounded for her taste.   
She beckoned him over, digging some makeup out of her bag. She sat him down and started applying some makeup, defining his jawline and cheekbones to make him look older and sexier.  
Bumblebee was standing behind Centaur, watching with an amused smirk. He didn't look very fight ready. He was wearing a soft red and blue t shirt and a pair of sweats. It was deceiving though. She had accidentally startle him and got blasted with some sort of wierd energy that he told her was psiioniics.  
"So, Centaur-" she started, but was cut off by the fake hooker.  
"Centaur seems so impersonal. Call me Horuss," he smiled at her, blue eyes twinkling.  
Once Alley Cat had seen Horuss without his goggles, she realized he was the perfect choice for the fake prostitute. Those eyes just screamed, 'I'm ready for you'.  
She finished his makeup, grinning and exchanging an amused glance with Bumblebee.  
"Alrighty then. Bitches, we're going clubbing," she said with an amused twinkle in her eye.  
The plan was simple. Alley cat and Bumblebee would hang out in the corners, keeping an eye on horuss till he gave them the signal that they'd found their man.  
The problem was getting Bumblebee dressed up.  
"I don't thee why I have to dreth up for thith!" He complained, pouting at the button up and jeans she had picked out for him.  
"Because they're not going to let you in the club when you look like a twelve year old that just dragged himself out of bed." Meulin rolled her eyes at the boy.  
He grumbled and grabbed the clothes, going to the other room to shower and change.   
Alley cat was already dressed in a tight black leather dress. She joined Centaur where he was sitting on the table as she pulled on her six inch red platform heels.  
"Those are... Quite the shoes," he commented, looking a little intimidated by the shiny heels.  
"I think I actually may have killed a man with these before," she speculated idly, before questioning, "why is Bumblebee such a grumpy sourpuss?"  
"His boyfriend is always too busy with college to spend time with him and he's lonely. Also, I'm warning you now, he does sometimes blow stuff up with those powers of his just for the sake of being a jackass," he warned.   
"Please dont tell me he's going to do something like that tonight," she groaned.  
"I don't believe he will. I think he might also be scared of you," he said, softly as always.  
Meulin laughed.   
"I know. I scared him and he almost put a hole in the wall with his psiioniics."  
"Sounds like him. One time he almost threw my younger brother out the window," Horuss said, looking a bit amused at the memory.   
Bumblebee walked out, and Meulin had to admit, the boy cleaned up pretty nicely.  
"Are you athholeth ready?" He raised a blonde eyebrow.  
"But of course. Now, let's go!" Meulin got up, now taller than Horuss, and walking to the car.  
They drove to the club in relative silence, Meulin making a few remarks about how Horuss and Bumblebee (who's name she learned was sollux) seemed like a married couple, which the two denied, because sollux has a boyfriend and Horuss 'doesn't like him like that'.   
When they pulled up at the club, she turned to the two men.   
"Alright, have either of you ever been clubbing?" She asked.  
They both shook their head and she sighed.   
"Of course not. Just, ugh, follow my lead. Act cool," with that, she stepped out of the car, breezing past the bouncer with a look that said, 'buddy, I've been partying all weekend, and you and I both know I know everyone in there.'   
Horuss and sollux followed her in, and the scent of alcohol and people vomiting up that alcohol hit her in waves. She could feel the bass of the presumably shitty music all throughout her body, and she scanned the area for a good spot to plant Horuss.  
"Horuss, you go over there," she pointed to a spot that wasn't as crowded as the rest.  
Horuss went over there, doing his best to look hookerish, while meulin and sollux sat at the bar, doing their best to look like they weren't a deaf Catwoman and a guy who could lift this whole club into the air without lifting a finger.   
"So, the majestic hoofbeast over there says that you're having boy problems," she raised an eyebrow at the bicolored bee.  
He sighed.  
"Yeah. My boyfriend ith majoring in marine biology and he hath a part time job, and between all that he barely hath time for me anymore. Like, I underthtand why, but-"  
"Wait wait wait wait... Would you happen to be dating someone named Eridan?" Meulin looked at him curiously.  
"How did you...."  
"He came to the pizza place I work at for a day job. He talked about you. Website designer huh?"  
"Yeah," he admitted, "what did he thay about me?"  
"You were a great boyfriend. He also said a bunch of other stuff but I'm not yelling you. Does he know about your night-job?" She asked.  
"Yeah. He doethnt like it though. Heth thcared of lothing me I think."  
"I would imagine he would be. Nothing leaves you emptier than losing someone you love," she said forlornly, "you really need to make time for him, Bumblebee."  
Sollux looked at her a bit strangely before brushing off her words and nodding.  
Just then, Horuss walked bye, making out with a Hispanic man with red tipped hair. He pulled away from him to gasp for air and say to them, "You two are on you own."  
Both Meulin and sollux just stared for a few seconds as the groped each other as they walked out of the club.  
Meulin broke the silence with a quiet, "I ship it. Also, you're up for fake prostitute."  
"Lovely."


	3. Not a real chapter

So guys, sorry i havent uodated this in like. For-furreaking-ever, but a)ive run out of ideas and b) the couple that inspired this fic are currently going through a pretty rocky breakup and so it gives me a headache to work on this.   
But I am working on this! Y'all should comment some ideas so I can work on this.


	4. *shrugs*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here have this shirt chapter that i wrote on my way to work

Bumblebee grumbled unhappily as Alley cat pulled him into a corner to do his makeup.  
“I don't thee why I have to do thith now,” he looked at her her pointedly.  
“Beclaws,silly, who else is gonna do it? Horuss nabbed himself a man and we still need to catch us a rapist,” she explained.   
“Fair enough.”  
Once Bumblebee was good enough to woo a man and didn't look twelve (because seriously, how old was this guy? She could've sworn he said twenty something.), Alley cat pushed him out into the crowd, and she winced as she watched him awkwardly mingle.   
In short, sollux was a terrible fake hooker.  
He was all bony angles and shuffling and looking like he wanted everyone to fuck off. Nothing about him said, 'hey, im open for business'. How the hell did this guy managed to snag himself a boyfriend? She had no clue.   
Fortunately for the both of them, their perp had spotted Sollux's awkwardness and was desperate enough to get laid that he started putting the moves him.  
He gave Meulin the signal, not that he really needed to, she could smell the guys pervertedness from the other side of the club.   
She was on him in a flash, handcuffing him as sollux went and puked in a trashcan from how fucking disgusted he was.   
As the two handed the perp to officer pyrope, who had been waiting outside, Meulin saw something out of the corner of her eye and froze. What the fuck was that?   
Realization hit her was she saw familiar purple eyes that somehow seemed to glow in the pitch blackness.  
The Messiah. Of course. She took off her heels and handed them to a confused looking Bumblebee before taking off silently.   
He must have a glimpse of her in the corner of her eye or something, because he turned around and that wasn't him.  
But if it wasn't him, why did he narrow his suspiciously at her?   
He saw the mildly confused expression she making and looked down at his clothes, eyes widening and gasping.   
Wait…. Gasping? Where were his stitches?  
Her mind worked, making connections, and one person came to mind. The guy who ordered the pizza. He had holes in his lips, almost like they were made for…. Stitches.  
“I delivered pizza to my arch enemy,” she mumbled in mild disbelief.


End file.
